


Hey Alexa What Do I Do If I Am Standing In Front Of My Dork Friend Peter Parker Whom I Have A Crush On And Who Is Spider-Man And Who Is Also Very Extremely Naked

by gabrielleholland



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Awkwardness, Crack, F/M, Humor, Identity Reveal, Idiots in Like, Idiots in Love, Nudity, One Shot, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Sexual Humor, because they're stupid teenagers, don't worry all nudity is non-explicit, have i made it clear enough that there's nudity in this, i.e. poor attempts at it, im so immature skskskskk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-03-08 12:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18894538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielleholland/pseuds/gabrielleholland
Summary: She wondered what had brought her to this moment. Every single beat of her life had led up to this, if literally anything had gone even slightly different she would not be here to witness Peter Benjamin Parker stark naked with the Spider-Man suit at his feet.





	Hey Alexa What Do I Do If I Am Standing In Front Of My Dork Friend Peter Parker Whom I Have A Crush On And Who Is Spider-Man And Who Is Also Very Extremely Naked

**Author's Note:**

> you might've already seen this on tumblr, so sorry if you already have! just wanted to archive it here.
> 
> ive been wallowing in too much angst lately and needed to inject myself with some crack, so here you go!

  As if compelled by some ultra-demiensional all-powerful being, MJ immediately crossed herself, though she had never been remotely religious. In that moment she took back every single blasphemous word she’d ever said against the Father thou art in Heaven and pledged herself to the Lord Jesus Christ in all His eternal glory.

 

  She wondered what had brought her to this moment. Every single beat of her life had led up to this, if literally anything had gone even slightly different she would not be here to witness Peter Benjamin Parker stark naked with the Spider-Man suit at his feet.

 

  She thought of all of history, of all the people who had lived and died, of all the animals that graced the earth, of the dinosaurs who got smushed by God yeeting a meteorite at them, of the first creatures that left the ocean and she wondered if they could have wrapped their head around this or if they would have gone insane.

 

  “Michelle!” Squeaked Parker, rushing to cover himself. Too fucking late. Far too fucking late. The sound of his voice, the breaking of this accidental renaissance painting of a moment in time, made her scream so high her lungs felt like they were about to rip apart.

 

  It might have been funny if she were not so utterly horrified. She’d read about astral projection and had pushed it away into the impossible, but the absolute state of disassociation made her reconsider every single decision and thought she’d made in her life.

 

  She didn’t know when she stopped screaming, but by the time May rushed in the room was thick with silence. “Oh my god, are you two oka…” Her voice faltered, dying in her throat. MJ wondered her effective jumping out the window would be. If she directed her weight properly she could probably break the glass, but Peter was standing close enough to it that she’d probably bump against him if she tried.

 

  “I think I’ll, um…” There was not enough comprehension of the concepts of human emotion to describe the expressions that were running across May’s face. “I think I’ll just...c-call me when you, um, need me. I think you two, uh, need some time.” She was out quicker than a bullet, and MJ could grasp what had happened.

 

  “Uh...Michelle.” Repeated Peter, his face as red as his suit. “Um...I’m going to, um...I just...could you turn around?” She could not. She was frozen in this moment in time, totally incapable of movement. “Oh god, are you in shock or something? Uh...crap, um—is there any way you can at least close your eyes?” Yes, yes she can do that, but good lord it was ineffective. Peter Parker’s naked body was seared into her brain. There was a rustling she assumed was him changing, and it took an eternity.

 

  “Uh...I’m decent. Now. Not naked. You can, um, open your eyes. If you, uh, want.” She did so, and it was like centuries had passed. Parker was now dressed (thank the Lord our God) in some sweatpants and a loose sweater, but all she could see was the sight that had graced her eyes mere moments before. “So, uh, I’m not quite sure what you’re...um…shocked at.”

 

  “Hhhhhhhhhhh.” Was the eloquent sequence of words she let out. She truly was a master of the English language.

 

  “O...okay. I’m going to guess it’s a combination of both the Spider-Man thing and the...other thing. Do you...wanna sit down?” He gestured awkwardly to the edge of his bed. Her body worked on autopilot, sitting herself down on the mattress.

 

  This was the first time in her life she had been well and truly speechless.

 

  Peter wrung his hands. “So, uh, we should talk, right? Like...about this.” He went red. “N-not _that_. The uh...Spider thing.” He sat down on the other end of the bed, his eyes everywhere except her. “I kinda...I kinda thought you already knew, honestly.”

 

  “I guessed!” She squeaked, the first real words she’d spoken.

 

  Peter scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I thought so. You’re smart like that.” He offered a weak smile. Normally a comment like that from him might have made her return it, but not today.

 

   _Not. Today._

 

  Peter scrunched up his face and groaned. Even in her state of delirious limbo, MJ could admit it was cute. God, was this really the time for teen hormones? “This is the worst. This is so weird and awkward. I’m so sorry Michelle. So, so, so sorry. Like, so supremely sorry I can’t even articulate how sorry I am with the limits of the English language. I totally get if you hate me forever and never want to see me again.”

 

  That snapped her out. Or, made me voice box restart. “No! No, it’s...fine. I’m just…” She swallowed, her body still barely obeying her commands, her brain still firing a thousand thoughts a second. “—you were _so naked_.”

 

  Peter blushed a red as deep as the Spider-Man suit. “I’m so sorry, MJ. That was...oh God. It’s laundry day today and I thought it would be fine for one day—“

 

   "Clearly you thought wrong!" She yelped.

 

   "This is the most off-kilter I've ever seen you."

 

   She lets the words stew for a few seconds, slowly turning her head to face him, freaky porcelain doll style. "Yes, Peter. I would think that an appropriate response when one SEES THEIR BEST FRIEND AND DATE NAKED WITH THE SPIDER-MAN SUIT AT THEIR FEET!"

 

   He flinched, drawing a breath. "Okay, point taken." He suddenly leapt up. "Oh my god. Our date. Oh my god. That's why you're in here. Oh my god."

 

   "DID YOU FORGET THE REASON I WAS IN HERE? WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS DOING?"

 

   "I apologise that the situation made me forget the minutia!"

 

   "YOU FORGOT ABOUT OUR FIRST DATE?"

 

   "THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE UNDRESSING AND YOUR CRUSH SAUNTERS IN AND STARTS SCREAMING!"

 

   She flushes at the c-word, but she's too far into all this she can't appreciate it. "WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TAKING YOUR DIRECT INSTRUCTIONS WHICH WERE, AND I QUOTE, _SURE MJ, I'VE GOT A QUICK ERRAND TO RUN BEFOREHAND SO JUST WAIT IN MY BEDROOM!_ SO WHY, MAY I ASK, WERE YOU _UNDRESSING_ IN SAID BEDROOM?"

 

   "HAVE WE NOT ALREADY ESTABLISHED I'M KIND OF A DUMBASS?"

 

   "YES, PARKER, IF WE'VE ESTABLISH ANYTHING IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES IT'S THAT YOU ARE THE MOST COLOSSAL DUMBASS THIS SIDE OF THE EARTH!"

   

   "WHAT WONDERFUL FIRST DATE MATERIAL, MJ!"

 

   "NO, NO, NO! THIS IS NOT THE DATE! DATES DO NOT INCLUDE ME WALKING INTO A ROOM TO SEE YOU NAKED!"

 

   "CAN WE PLEASE STOP YELLING?! THIS APARTMENT HAS VERY THIN WALLS AND I DON'T NEED THE ENTIRE COMPLEX KNOWING YOU WALKED IN ON ME WHILE I WAS IN THE NUDE!"

 

   She took a breath. A deep, contemplative, drawn-out breath. "I am going to go home and we are going to postpone our date until such time as I can look at you without seeing...everything."

 

   "Wait...you still want to go out with me?"

 

   "It seems that despite this turn of events my idiot sappy brain still likes you so yes, Peter, we will resume our date at a later time. Much, much later. Also I'd be an idiot to give up on those abs."

 

   His face drowns in pink. "Can we agree not to objectify me? To my knowledge that's a post-first date occurrence."

 

   "With all due respect, Peter, I've seen you naked. We are clearly not abiding by normal rules." She stood up, still unable to look him in the eyes. "I will text you. Or not. I'm not sure. My headspace is not very cleared right now." She turned to him as she opened the door, trying very, very hard not to picture him nude. He opened his mouth

 

   "Soooooooo...you don't hate me?" His voice, though still tinged with awkwardness, sounded overtly relieved.

 

   "How could I hate that ass?" The spluttering and stammering was worth the image popping in her head again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> you may recognise me from midtown mercenary! if you do hello again, here is a quick silly one-shot because i've written so much angst and have been torturing these two dorks far too much and this is my therapy. i hope you enjoyed!


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